Hello!
I’d like to start with:
My journey with feelings and repressing feelings.
I’d love to share my own journey with this over the years.
When I trained as a psychospiritual psychotherapist in the 1990’s, I learnt all about feelings and addictions and trauma.
But I thought that addictions were a discrete class of things, different to what most ‘ordinary’ people experience.
Then I came across Aware Parenting when I was pregnant with my daughter, 16 years ago.
And I learnt all about how babies, right from birth, are learning how to respond to their feelings based on how we respond to their feelings. (And they are learning how to respond to their needs based on how we respond to their needs too!)
And for quite a while, I saw these repression mechanisms (they are called control patterns in Aware Parenting but I prefer to call them repression mechanisms, although they also include dissociation which isn’t really repression – but I digress!) as the ‘bad guys’.
I wanted to make sure that my daughter didn’t ever have any repression mechanisms, EVER!
And I would judge myself when she did acquire some.
And that judgment of repression mechanisms and self-judgment if I saw any in her (oh I’m so glad to be free of that now) was sometimes so extreme that it would paradoxically get in the way of me giving her the kind of loving presence that babies and children need to share their feelings with us.
I’m going to talk more about this later!
As the years went by, I found a very different way of thinking about repression mechanisms, and responding to them, in myself and in my children.
And I got free from the self-judgment on it and them.
And that freed me up to be a whole lot more lovingly present with myself and with them!
In fact, I’m grateful for repression mechanisms. If it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t have survived as a species.
I’m grateful for my own and for my children’s, because I know that they show up when there isn’t the kind of understanding or loving presence available for the feelings to flow.
I’m appreciative of all the ways I found to protect myself from painful feelings when I was growing up, living in a world that doesn’t really understand feelings.
AND I’m also passionate about helping myself and my children be freer to feel MORE, and to be freer from repression mechanisms.
But I no longer expect that my children will be totally free from them.
AND I know that they are a lot more free from than I am, and that they have a lot more capacity for deep presence with what shows up in them.
AND that they are holding a LOT LESS feelings inside than I am (still after nearly 30 years of inner work!)
So, I’m here to help parents in particular, understand the feelings of babies and children, and how babies and children learn to repress their feelings, and what we can do in response.
And part of that will also mean looking at how we respond to our own feelings, and how we learnt to do this as we were growing up.
I know that a lot of you are already familiar with this way of understanding feelings.
And that some of you may be less familiar.
REPRESSION MECHANISMS FOR ADULTS
I wonder if you’re aware of how you repress your feelings, or whether you notice yourself dissociating at times?
The common kinds of things we do as adults to prevent ourselves feeling uncomfortable feelings are:
Distracting ourselves through social media, screens, reading, busy-ness, thinking, shopping, future-thinking, nail-biting, nose picking, etc.
Distracting ourselves with food, coffee, chocolate, sugar, alcohol.
Tensing up our jaw, pelvis, neck, shoulders, chest, thighs, hands, arms. (literally, holding in the feelings).
Chronic tension in these areas that we’re not even aware of!
Movement in the form of busy-ness, constant moving, constant talking, lots of exercise.
And what are we actually doing when we’re doing those things?
In some cases, we’re taking our attention away from our feelings. That can be taking our attention to something in the outer world, or it can be taking our attention to our thoughts, so that we don’t feel the feelings in our bodies.
In some cases, we’re tensing up various parts of our bodies so that we don’t feel those feelings in our bodies.
In some cases, we’re dissociating – which is actually taking our attention away from our body completely.
In fact, there are probably millions of things we can do to take our attention away from what we’re actually feeling in the moment, which includes the painful feelings that we weren’t able to be present with in our past.
Almost anything can be a repression mechanism.
for example, needing things to be a particular way can be one, so can rigid ways of thinking, so can always needing things to be in order.
Isn’t our psyche/body/mind/feelings system INCREDIBLE?
It has ALL THESE WAYS to stop us from feeling feelings.
Do you ever wonder why?
Why does our bodymindfeelingsspirit have all of these ways?
And why do we do this anyway? Why do we do all of these things?
To avoid being present in a feeling in this moment.
To avoid the here-and-now, and the feelings from the past that show up in the here-and-now.
To avoid feeling feelings that come from the three ways that feelings come in adults:
1 Unmet needs; 2. Past painful experiences; 3. Painful ways of thinking.
Why don’t we just stay present with our feelings, rather than doing all of these things?
Well, as you probably guessed it, we either learnt these ways of responding, or similar ones (since there wasn’t any Instagram when I was growing up), from our families, schools and culture.
OR we came to them when we had painful feelings that the people around us were unable to be present with and listen to and mirror to us.
So, there are two ways that we learn repression mechanisms:
1. Our feelings were responded to in these ways, so we directly learnt to respond to them in those ways;
2. Our feelings weren’t being heard and mirrored, so we found ways to repress them ourselves.
For example, eating repression mechanisms are often passed down in families.
If your parents tended to eat when they were upset to protect themselves from feeling uncomfortable feelings, then it’s likely that
a. they would interpret your painful feelings as hunger, and
b. respond to your painful feelings with offering food or feeding, which led to
c. you interpreting your painful feelings as hunger, and
d. finding it hard to differentiate between hunger and feelings, and
e. asking for food when you were upset, which led to you then
f. eating when you are upset.
Before we go any further, I’d like to invite us to pause here.
This can be a big subject! And talking about it can help us connect with feelings and also have big realisations about ourselves.
So please be gentle with yourself whilst you’re reading this. And please pause if you need to. You might even want to stop reading and come back to this another time.
BABIES AND REPRESSION
So, let’s to back to our infancy, and the infancy of our children. Perhaps your little one is a baby still now.
And again, I invite you to be compassionate with yourself as you take in this information.
I also want to remind you that it is NEVER TOO LATE to listen to a feeling, in ourselves or in our children.
So, let’s look at babies.
The amazing thing is that with babies and young children, once we know what to look for, it can be REALLY EASY to see these repression mechanisms in operation.
As children get older, repression mechanisms often become a bit more internal, and they’re not always as easy to see.
That’s one of the many reasons why this is such an amazing time.
Because we can literally see our child’s psyche in operation.
Let’s talk more about feelings, and in particular, painful and uncomfortable feelings.
(You’ll notice that I don’t ever describe feelings as ‘negative’. I love to embrace the beauty of all feelings, which isn’t as easy if some of them are being described as negative!)
However much we aim to respond promptly and accurately to a baby and child’s needs, ALL babies and children at times feel uncomfortable feelings.
They feel the full range of feelings that come from:
unmet needs such as for holding, closeness, understanding, touch, presence, attunement to their needs.
experiences that are frightening or overwhelming
experiences that are painful.
Right from birth, and even before birth, BABIES FEEL FEELINGS.
They can feel feelings like:
discomfort
agitation
confusion
overwhelm
frustration
helplessness
powerlessness
loss
sadness
fear
terror
rage
shock
And of course, they experience the full range of feelings that come from met needs and enjoyable experiences, as well as their own innate state, such as:
curiosity
wonder
happiness
delight
joy
excitement
The particular situations where they might feel feelings like this are:
In the womb – fear, discomfort, agitation
During birth – discomfort, agitation, overwhelm, fear, terror, rage, helplessness, powerlessness.
If they were separated after birth – confusion, sadness, loss, fear, terror, rage, helplessness.
If they experienced medical procedures during or after birth – pain, helplessness, frustration, fear, terror, rage.
If they were left alone to cry – fear, overwhelm, confusion, terror, helplessness.
I want to remind you again, if your baby or child has experienced ANY of these, and you think that they haven’t had the chance to express those feelings yet, that it is NEVER TOO LATE for them to express those feelings and for you to listen.
That is the WONDERFUL thing about this!
What else?
Going out to shops or busy places – confusion, overwhelm, fear.
Loud noises – confusion, shock.
Their needs not being understood – confusion, sadness, helplessness, loss.
Being left alone – fear, loss, sadness, confusion, helplessness.
Us being distracted by our own feelings from unmet needs or the past – confusion, fear, sadness.
Arguments – fear, shock, confusion.
Being pushed or treated roughly by older siblings – shock, fear, helplessness.
Big trips, holidays, travel, moving house – overwhelm, confusion.
Illness, teething, accidents – confusion, shock, pain.
Developmental cusps – frustration.
You can probably see that even if we do everything to meet a baby’s needs, that every baby is going to feel some uncomfortable feelings at times.
And every baby is going to experience a different amount.
A baby will feel more painful feelings if their mother was stressed during the pregnancy, if there were medical interventions or traumatic situations during the birth, if they were separated after birth, the longer the separation was, if they had medical procedures afterwards, if their parents are stressed or overwhelmed, if their older siblings were aggressive, if there were big moves or lots of outings or loud noises, and so on.
And babies have different sensitivity levels. Some babies are more highly sensitive and will feel things more sensitively, and will have bigger feelings after an experience than another baby.
So, how do they acquire repression mechanisms?
Remember those two ways?
1. They learn to repress their feelings from the way that we respond to their feelings,
2. They learn to repress their feelings in other ways when we don’t have the understanding or the kind of presence required for feelings to be expressed.
And yet again, here is where a LOT OF SELF-COMPASSION is needed.
It takes A LOT to listen to the feelings of babies and children!
So, pretty much ALL babies will acquire repression mechanisms.
What are the ways that feelings can get repressed?
Distraction – such as singing songs, pointing to things, taking their attention away from their feelings.
Movement – jiggling, rocking, bouncing, pushing in a stroller or pram or pushchair, taking in the car.
Food and feeding
Sucking – giving a dummy or pacifier
Leaving alone – which leads to them finding their own ways to repress feelings such as thumb sucking, clinging on to a soft toy or blanket or tensing muscles.
AGAIN, I invite you to set loving limits if you’re tempted to judge yourself.
Or perhaps you have other feelings when you read this. I invite deep self-compassion.
So, although it seems like the most compassionate thing to do, to distract our babies and children from their painful feelings, or interpret all their feelings as indicating unmet needs, the thing is that those feelings don’t go away.
If a feeling is a feeling about a past unmet need, overwhelming or frightening situation, and we do one of those things to our babies, then those feelings don’t go away.
Our baby might stop feeling upset, but what we’re doing is taking her attention away from her feelings and her body and her here-and-now experience.
Those feelings are still there, in her body.
We’re just taking her attention away from them.
And we’re showing her how to respond to her feelings.
And this will also deeply affect how she interprets her feelings.
If any time a baby is upset, we move her, then she will come to associate uncomfortable feelings meaning that she needs to move.
She will interpret painful feelings = a need to move.
And thus, when she’s old enough, she will then move whenever she’s upset.
And this can lead to toddlers and children who are constantly moving.
So, it’s not only that she learns to respond to her own feelings based on how we respond to her feelings, but our responses also profoundly influence how she actually experiences and interprets those feelings.
For example, if we always feed our baby when she has upset feelings to share with us, then she will not only then ask for food and feeding when she is upset, but she will also interpret the painful feelings as being hunger feelings.
And if you’ve found it hard to differentiate between hunger and upset feelings, that suggests that was your experience too.
So, it’s not only the response that they learn. It’s also our interpretation.
If we give our baby a dummy or pacifier when she is upset, she will learn to ask for it when she’s upset and will interpret painful feelings as a need for the pacifier or dummy.
I think it is really important to bear this in mind – that they learnt these interpretations and responses FROM US.
What about the second type of repression mechanisms?
These are where we don’t understand that our baby or child is trying to express painful feelings, or when we are preoccupied, or full of our own upset feelings, or unmet needs, and we aren’t able to listen to their feelings.
This can also be common, for example, when a baby has an older sibling and needs to be frequently put in the car to take their sibling to school, and feelings bubble up then.
It also happens when babies are left alone during controlled crying or cry it out.
Or when we don’t realise that they are trying to express their feelings to us.
Babies will find a way to repress those feelings.
Because uncomfortable feelings felt without loving support feel unbearable.
They are too much for our nervous system – when we are alone as babies or children – or emotionally there isn’t presence and connection for us.
So, babies will then do things like suck their thumbs or clutch on to a soft toy or a blanket, or will scratch their own skin or bang their head or get in one particular position and stay there, or will tense up particular muscles.
If you have painful feelings coming up now, I want to remind you that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to listen to the feelings of babies, children or adults!!!
What happens is that over time, there are small or large incidents of experiences – (and remember, for babies, a trip to the local shops can be highly overwhelming, as can being in a group of people or even hearing noises like the washing machine), then the unexpressed feelings build up in their bodies.
MIRRORING
Whatever percentage of their feelings we are able to be present with in ourselves, and to be with them, and listen to those feelings, then those feelings get mirrored.
Those feelings become feelings that are safe and can be heard.
Babies get to experience that they have CONNECTION when they have painful feelings, and that painful feelings can be felt, and when we feel painful feelings with loving support, we come out the other side, feeling relaxed and at peace.
They get the mirroring, so if they feel sad, and we mirror their sadness, they get to have a match between their inner experience of sadness and how that is perceived by us and then them. They learn that the internal experience they feel is sadness, and that it can be felt, and it will then leave their bodies.
They learn that feelings are their friends.
So, whatever percentage of feelings we have the capacity to be with, they can then express, and those feelings and the physiological correlates, leave their bodies.
And again, I want to remind you to have a whole bunch of self-compassion here.
Given the culture we live in and the time we grew up in, I don’t know if anyone can yet listen to 100% of their baby and child’s feelings.
ACCUMULATION OF FEELINGS
And whatever percentage we don’t understand and AREN’T able to listen to, accumulates in their bodies.
And those things are physiological.
And they lead to a whole host of physical symptoms, which tend to be the main things that parents find challenging.
Accumulated feelings PLUS the things that babies need to do to repress those feelings, lead to things like:
agitation
constant movement
avoiding eye contact
taking a long time to get to sleep (because it’s hard to sleep when you are agitated)
frequent night waking
waking up easily before having enough sleep (because it’s hard to sleep soundly when there are a whole lot of feelings inside)
waking up early before having enough sleep (ditto)
agitated vocalisations
tension in the hands
tension in muscles all over the body
holding in weeing and pooing
wriggling around whilst sleeping
constant movement
wanting to be fed more and more often as they get older even though their tummies get bigger
The important things to remember are:
Babies aren’t doing this on purpose
Babies would much prefer to be comfortable and presence and calm
Babies want to sleep when they’re tired
They have learnt how to respond to their feelings from us
They need our help to be able to express their feelings
It’s our loving presence and available attention and body contact which helps their feelings be welcomed and safe
GROWING UP
As babies become toddlers and children, they have different life experiences that lead to painful feelings. As well as the relevant ones above, they might feel:
jealous, powerless, hurt, sad, lonely when a new sibling is born.
scared, afraid, helpless, overwhelmed when they go to daycare, preschool, kinder or school.
powerless, rage, hurt, confusion when other children take things, hit them, call them names.
overwhelm, confusion, powerlessness on holidays, big trips, or moving house.
powerlessness, rage, confusion, loss, sadness, hurt if their parents separate.
scared, hurt, helpless during medical procedures including dentist visits.
Over time, as babies become toddlers and children, these feelings accumulate more, and their repression mechanisms can often evolve.
Us moving them can become them finding it really hard to sit still
(Does that help you feel more compassionate with them when they’re not sitting down at the dinner table?)
Us distracting them though entertainment can become them needing constant entertainment and never wanting to play alone
(Does that help you feel more compassion with them when they’re wanting you to constantly play with them?)
Us feeding them when they were upset can become them asking for feeding and food more and more often
(Does that help you feel more compassionate when they’re asking for the 4th cup of milk?)
Us leaving them to cry or not having the availability or understanding to listen to them can become them carrying a blanket or soft toy around everywhere. (Does that help you feel more compassionate when your 7 year old still wants their blankie?)
Us giving them a dummy or pacifier can lead to them wanting it more and more.
(Does that help you feel more compassionate when they’re not wanting to give it up at age 4?)
The thing is, unless we listen to the underlying feelings, children will need to keep doing things to hold them in.
They’re not choosing that. They’re just doing the best they can, given our responses.
And as certain repression mechanisms become less accepted as they get older, those repression mechanisms will morph.
For example, thumb sucking might become nail biting.
As feelings accumulate, children need to DO more and more to repress those feelings.
And as feelings accumulate, so those repressed feelings start to show up more and more in symptoms.
The symptoms are similar to those in babies, but increase.
And again, they are pretty much ALL the things that parents often find challenging.
The effects of the accumulated feelings on the sense of agitation in their bodies:
Agitation
Whining
Avoiding connection
Avoiding eye contact
Not being able to concentrate
Not being able to listen
Moving from one activity to the next very quickly
Taking a long time to go to sleep
Waking up frequently
Waking up early
The effect of the repression mechanisms:
Constant movement
Not being able to sit still
Thumb sucking
Nail biting
Hair twirling
Hands down mumma’s top
Not being able to play independently
The feelings coming out in ways that don’t lead to relief:
Pinching
Biting
Hitting
Pushing
Taking
Kicking
The attempt to release and express the painful feelings:
Crying over small things
Raging over small things
Laughter and being ‘silly’
Doing things that they know we don’t want them to do
What I LOVE about this approach is, since the majority of things that parents find challenging are caused by pent up painful feelings and the mechanisms children are trying to use to hold in those feelings, UNDERSTANDING WHY they are doing this can lead to a whole lot of compassion.
When we understand that a child isn’t deliberately CHOOSING to take ages to go to sleep, whine, not sit still, hit their sister, or keep doing things that we don’t enjoy, but that these are ALL AN EFFECT of their experiences and feelings and how they have been responded to, it’s a whole lot easier to feel compassion towards them, and thus then respond compassionately.
SO, HOW CAN WE HELP THEM GET FREER FROM REPRESSION MECHANISMS?
1. The first step is always with us. First, we can UNDERSTAND what is going on, and with that understanding, change our ways of thinking, so that the ways of thinking are compassionate.
Then we’re likely to be able to offer compassionate presence and listening, which is VITAL.
2. If they’re engaged in a repression mechanism, having a COMPASSIONATE way of thinking about ourselves and our parenting.
If we are judging ourselves and thus feeling guilty over them having a repression mechanism, that guilt takes away our capacity to be present and available and compassionate with our child. I used to do that, and I found out first hand how it actually works AGAINST what we are wanting – it makes us LESS AVAILABLE and loving and present to listen to their feelings!
3. The same if we are judging the repression mechanism as bad or wrong or something that we have to eliminate.
That is likely to lead to a desire to smash it or get rid of it asap, which also doesn’t give the kind of quality that is most conducive to listening to feelings. And again, I learnt this first hand. I used to see repression mechanisms as terrible things, but going in with that attitude tended to make them more entrenched.
4. Help OURSELVES have more compassionate presence.
That includes our ways of thinking, which affect our presence, as above, but also means doing whatever we can to make sure our needs cup isn’t empty and our own painful feelings cup isn’t full. Babies and children are intimately in tune with our emotional state and are much less likely to share their feelings with us if we are depleted or in lots of pain ourselves. Having an empathy buddy can really help this!
5. PERCEIVING repression mechanisms as FLAGS for FEELINGS.
So, whenever your child picks her nose or twirls her hair or sucks her thumb, all that is, is a FLAG, telling you that uncomfortable feelings are arising. Having this way of thinking about them can help us respond with LOVING PRESENCE.
6. UNDERSTANDING that as we come to understand the source of her repression mechanisms, it may take time for her to change her understanding and perception.
If we’ve always moved her when she was upset, she’ll perceive upset feelings as a need to move. As we understand that it’s actually her repressing her painful feelings, we will mirror her and respond to her in different ways. And it may take longer for her to have those new understandings in herself.
7. LOVING PRESENCE is the antidote to repression mechanisms.
We use repression mechanisms when there was a sense of lack of loving presence and availability, and loving presence is the antidote. In practical terms, this can mean things like coming close, offering eye contact and gentle touch and the quality of presence in our attention on them. The beautiful thing is that they internalise our responses to them. So the more we can offer unconditionally loving presence to them both when they’re repressing feelings, AND when they’re expressing feelings (and using aggression), the more they will internalise that unconditional love for themselves.
Loving presence includes our presence, our tone of voice, eye contact, emotional tone, quality of movements, stroking their skin, etc. That’s WHY those first few steps are so important. Because this emotional tone is what babies and children most pick up on. They live in that world. If we’re feeling guilty or angry, they’ll feel that, rather than loving presence.
(Oh, and it isn’t possible to guilt yourself out of guilt!)
So, the loving presence INCLUDES an appreciation for the repression mechanism. Rather than trying to get rid of it, the aim is more to appreciate that it was there and needed to be there, and then to offer the kinds of conditions that will help our baby or child be freer again to express the underlying feelings.
8. WORDS that reflect that loving presence, including honouring and mirroring of the repression mechanisms.
For example, one lovely mumma wrote to me, “I forgot to mention something else I say when C has her fingers in her mouth. “I wonder if there’s something you’re not saying. I’m listening if you want to say more.” Since I’ve started saying that, I usually can’t get through the whole sentence before she’s returned to crying.”
We might even say things like, “I know you needed to put your fingers in your mouth when we kept on taking your sister to school in the car, and I couldn’t listen to your feelings then. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to listen to you then. And I’m here now, and I’m listening.”
8 ATTACHMENT PLAY with the repression mechanism.
Attachment play is another element of Aware Parenting, and it’s SO important and effective with repression mechanisms.
Attachment play creates a deep sense of CONNECTION (and remember that loving presence is the antidote to repression); it also evokes laughter, which releases feelings such as fear, frustration and powerlessness. So in itself it helps release some of the feelings that underly the repression mechanism.
I have a free course on attachment play HERE.
Here are a couple of examples.
I remember one time doing a session with a mama and her two children, both of whom picked their noses.
We spent about 45 minutes doing attachment play with this.
I would say, “What flavour bogie is that? Strawberry?” and they’d eagerly say, “YES!”
And I’d say, “You’re not trying to trick me, are you?” and they’d smilingly say, “NO!”
And then I’d encourage them to get a bogie and I’d pretend (PRETEND!) to eat it and say, “NOOOOO, that wasn’t strawberry, that was vomit flavour! EEERGH!!!” And they would laugh and laugh!
And we’d do this over and over and over again. Each time I’d ask them, “You’re not going to trick me THIS time, are you?”
We laughed for 45 minutes. It was SO FUN!
And if you think to yourself, “I don’t want to spend 45 minutes on this!” I hear you, AND think of what an amazing thing this is. This is helping free up a repression mechanism, which is repressing feelings that will otherwise stay inside them, and lead to all the other things you find most annoying!
Another game is the “NO …xyz…. on the couch!”
For this one, the child is on the couch, and I say, “whatever you do, DON’T suck your thumb when I turn around, will you?”
And they say, “noooo”
And I turn away, and pretend to whistle and be all nonchalant, and turn around, and suddenly I see them sucking their thumb and I say in a really mock silly voice, “nooooooo! You said you wouldn’t suck your thumb!”
And repeat!
What can happen after lots of attachment play – either at the end, or later on that day, is the next step:
9. LISTENING TO CRYING, RAGING AND TANTRUMS
With that mama and her children, something suddenly happened and one child went into a big tantrum, and the mama stayed right with her.
Crying, raging and tantrums are like therapy for kids. That is them letting out those painful feelings.
Often, once we play a lot with repression mechanisms, the quality of loving presence and play frees up the deeper, more painful feelings to emerge – the rage and the loss and the sadness and the grief and the frustration – those all come out in tears and raging and tantrums, as long as we are giving our loving presence.
10. LOVING LIMITS with repression mechanisms
This is another possibility – that you set a loving limit with the repression mechanism. Clearly this is possible if the repression mechanism is something like a dummy/pacifier, soft toy, screen, but not if it is muscle tension or thumb sucking.
However, if you DO choose to do this, I recommend having a LOT OF CAUTION AND AWARENESS AND OBSERVATION.
I would recommend starting off with attachment play around the repression mechanism, ideally for several days or weeks.
If you are going to set a loving limit, I would recommend giving your child notice. For example, in the morning you might explain that that night, you are going to help him to go to sleep without the repression mechanism.
I wouldn’t suggest going cold turkey.
That repression mechanism has potentially been holding in a LOT of feelings, and suddenly taking that away, even if you then listen to some of the feelings, is likely to mean that once your capacity to listen to the crying and raging has come to an end, that your child still has a whole load of feelings that are up. So she’s then either going to need to keep crying and crying, OR find a new way to repress the feelings.
This is why appreciating and understanding WHAT is happening with repression mechanisms is so important.
Perhaps you bit your nails. And your parents judged that and painted them with that horrible smelling stuff. If the underlying feelings weren’t heard, you would have needed to find another similar repression mechanism, eg. biting a pencil or grinding your teeth.
A more gentle way would be to listen as much as you’re able, and then give back the repression mechanism, and set a loving limit the next time you have the capacity to listen to the feelings.
What can we do to help ourselves with our own repression mechanisms?
Loving presence is the antidote for us too! This can mean setting loving limits with self-judgment, and giving ourselves a quality of loving presence when we’re about to check FB for the umpteenth time!
We can do the same for ourselves by playing attachment play, or reaching out to our friend or partner for loving presence, empathy and listening, when we have the urge to reach out for a 5th chocolate.
We can also develop our own Inner Loving Crew, as I talk about in my Inner Loving Presence Process. Then THEY can give us loving presence when we feel the desire to scroll FB!
What happens when we’re freer of repression mechanisms?
We’re more able to live in the present moment!
We’re able to FEEL our bodies and our feelings!
We’re more capable of connection and presence and intimacy.
That’s why listening to the feelings of babies and children is SUCH a gift.
It means that they are more connected to WHO THEY REALLY ARE!
Who is that?
Presence, awareness, with eye contact – looking into our eyes, and really SEEING and BEING SEEN.
Awareness of their own body and movements – so they know their capacities and are unlikely to have accidents or fall over.
The capacity to concentrate for long periods on one thing.
Compassion for their own feelings and the feelings of others. (because they internalise that from us)
Knowing that feelings are their friends. Being able to stay PRESENT in their body sensations when they have uncomfortable feelings.
Being able to sit still and sleep without fidgeting.
The capacity to sleep until they have had enough sleep.
Gentleness.
Cooperation.
Life energy that is clear rather than agitated.
What can you do to find out more?
I have lots of free and paid courses on all this!
There’s my FREE Introduction to Aware Parenting. (It’s also suitable for people who already know a lot about Aware Parenting!
There’s the FREE Babies have real feelings ebook and the self-paced Aware Parenting Babies Course.
There’s the FREE intro to Sound Sleep and Secure Attachment and the SS and SA Course.
There’s the FREE intro to Making Friends with Children’s Feelings, and the self-paced paid version.
There’s the FREE intro to Attachment Play and the four week Attachment Play Course.
There are Aletha Solter’s books and website at www.awareparenting.com
There’s a free FB page.
All of my paid courses have FB pages too!
I did a FB live on this yesterday; where you can here all the nuances of this! It’s HERE.
Love,
Marion